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lost

i confess

Posted on 2008.07.02 at 12:29
i confess i have not always made the right decision in my life. over all i am a good person. a kind person. a happy person. but sometimes small personal problems which concern only me affect those around me. i know i have made a bad decision somewhere along the way when people get hurt or offended or sad as a result of my actions. lately it seems like i have made a mistake and must confess a wrong doing to practically everyone i have ever met in my life. a life of mistakes and i feel like i must begin apologizing now but i feel so overwhelmed with shame because i do not know where to start except admitting i was wrong and that i am sorry. guilty of many wrong decisions, my secrets are publically private. this is not the place to begin listing off my sins. i just really, really needed to feel a few feelings out and... i feel better now.

lost

emotional vomit

Posted on 2008.06.27 at 23:07
once again, i am drenched in tears. there is NOTHING more i want than to have her here for me to wrap my arms around. its pathetic i just want a hug. i couldn't stop crying and arguing with her because they were the only things keeping her from hanging up. i couldnt even bring myself to tell her how much i love her. i am such a mess. i am sorry for the fuss, i am so sorry for everything. for every last fucking thing i said and thought and wished. i am miserable and i am jealous. there is NOTHING to take away the pain. tomorrow is going to be hell..

-shave in a mowhawk
-get a tat w my gf
-lose weight
-become a sociology prof.
-own the entire series of "Angel"
-get another ear ring
-create my own Zine
-try to get a 4.0 once before i graduate
-see all of my Prosser friends (not in any specific order and including but not limited to: Amber, Mary, Dawn, Jaycobb, christina, twin, mrs. warriner, mrs. wierenga, maybe mr. boyle, Suzy & Mark, and fiona)
-get another lap dance from devils point, portland OR
-quit drinking alcohol (for good)
-perform in a drag show
-become a mother
... soon to be updated

lost

yesterday's feelings

Posted on 2008.06.22 at 20:47
every little comment digs away. i am "stupid" and "disappointing." everday i hear it. "don't be stupid", "work harder". failing again and again. i fear all conversation at this point. who now will i upet? where is my home? why is nothing alright? why do i feel like i am missing the big picture? running on empty now, only fury fueling my aimless pursuit of anything good-enough. FUCK all of this!
how selfish. i tremble and bawl at my problems. why am i having so many thoughts? i want happiness, right now! what is it going to fucking take

patience and trust. neither of which i have now or understand.

lost

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

Posted on 2008.06.21 at 16:48
jesus fucking christ! i hate the tears! they always come! what miserable company. companions i neither asked for nor want. its always my fault i get upset, that i cry, that i hurt. i am so selfish, always thinking i am staring in some one else's movie. egotistical fuck up. *thunder cracks*1...2...3...4 *lightening* the thunder storm is finally here. it will open up soon and share with this town the tears of revivial. my tears are not as forgiving. finally calming down, the self-medication works. i am calmer, but my eyes are still moist with regret and anger. i forgot what an escape all of this could be. hmm. i have like half an hour till i get to go to a circus. *thunder cracks*1...2 *lightening* its getting closer. ((the dark))


lost

well

Posted on 2008.06.20 at 22:34
i have not been back here in a very very long time. idk if i miss it. what should i type? sometimes i enjoy life. other times i hate everything around me. its like at any given moment i could be filled unpredictably with rage, sorrow, malice, lust, happiness, envy... idk what can really trigger the switch in emotions. its not like i even raise my voice any more. i dont even clench my teeth or make fists of my rough hands. but, i can feel the change in my chest. thats where i feel all of my most intense moments. when something breaks my heart its as though i can literally feel blood bursting through tissue and stingingly leak down my chest like tears or acid rain. but when something really... touches me, some type of pure, strong energy flows through my veins and pumps all the creation of my soul directly to my heart. it makes me want to fly. it makes my feet lose touch with the ground. its amazing.

i feel really stupid sometimes too. stupid about everything. wtf am i smart at? not math or science, i have only looked into basic concepts and was a failure. i can't build. i can't act. i know nothing of the real world outside of statistics and studies of real experts. i can hardly play the trombone anymore. i can't dance or swim. i don't do any sports anymore. i will be a senior next year and regardless of my grades, i am a native, stupid fucking idiot with no talent outside of memorizing graphs and reading words. how pathetic. wtf am i going to do with a degree in soc and gender stuides? go to more school? no. i am not. i am going to be stuck without a full education nor a real life experience. i am a million miles from reality.

idk why i am being hard on myself. its the summer, i should be chill. but i feel like i can't stop myself from questioning ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. sigh. i dont want to challenge my existence. its probably a waste of time and energy. or perhaps i am afraid i will find myself lacking and wanting... more? something else? i get so turned around and confused and unsure. i know if i stay exactly where i am, i wont get hurt, but by not having the courage to take a step in some direction, am i cutting myself short? why should i be dealt an empty life and just deal with it? i know i do not want to be stuck in Hayden ID with the fucking skinheads, working at a fruit stand for the rest of my life... but, where is life going to take me?

lost

w st 200 ignore me

Posted on 2008.02.28 at 22:46
Elizabeth Poteet
ID # 10823326
WST 200 Sec 1 Spr08 Abad
February 28, 2008
“My Social Location”
This is the first time in college I have been expected to define my identity. Actually, I am expected to explain how my identity correlates to my very own “social location” within society’s infrastructure of power hierarchies and institutionalized oppression. I find it difficult to both define who I am as well as insert my still-developing identity into the overwhelming social structure that is society. Clearly expressing who I am and where I am structurally using the correct terminology can be confusing. The intersections of my social identity and social location are numerous, possibly countless, but fortunately this assignment has a page limit.
To describe myself in terms of social location I must first define who I am, I must come to grips with the diversity of aspects which create my identity. Each aspect is directly involved with my placement in society’s stratification system. Some aspects I have chosen out of interest, some came to be through biological inheritance, some are the result of childhood socialization, others have just recently come to surface, while many will continuously change until I die. Discovering the existence of so many sides to me simply being “me”, I have recently realized overall I have an identity conflict. Not an identity crisis, but a kink, a contradiction, and in the eyes of society, a “problem”. I have noticed an inconsistency between different facets of my individual identification. The biggest inconsistency being I am a member of the oppressing majority with dual membership in an oppressed minority group. Adding more complexity is the fact there are more than just two groups to belong in, there are countless others.
I have connections with dominant groups who oppress weaker factions, I am an oppressor. I am colored white and I am able-bodied. I have also been discriminated against as I am a member of more than one oppressed minority. Concerning blood ties, I am a “passing” Native American (Waters, 1996, p. 113). Concerning sexual orientation, I am Queer. Concerning social class, I work and I work hard. Concerning gender and gender roles, I prefer to alternatively gender-blend rather than stand on either side of an unrealistic blue-pink, male-female dichotomy (Feinberg, 1998). In her writings, Feinberg describes herself as a “kaleidoscope of characteristics” and a “tangled knot of gender contradictions”; such definitions I hope to some degree express in my rejection of traditional gender roles (1998, p. 195). I didn’t originally believe these identity conflicts served a purpose until I understood these contradictions give me a chance to be more than a stereotypical… anything! Instead of a stock character in this play we call life I can become a multi-mentional enigma. I am a walking, talking paradox of conflicting powers and inequalities, which is just another way of defining my “social location”. Instead of seeing my identity as a confusing mess of definitions and labels, I prefer to see my identity as an ever expanding structure. This abstract structure links everything (my experiences, opinions, beliefs, values, passions and cultures) together.
Basically, the point I am trying to prove is that the many aspects of my identity make it difficult to put me in just one place within our societal structure. My social location is based on and complicated by the dimensions of the society’s various stratification systems or “pecking orders”. My ranking in a society is changed to some degree by multiple dimensions, such as class, race, gender and sexual orientation. From one point of view I am among many, putting me in a majority, placing me near the top of the hierarchy. From another point of view I am among few, putting me in an underrepresented group. When you are part of a voiceless minority, it does not mean fate just happened to drop you at the bottom; you have been forced and pushed down by the aggressive, dominant group on top which will try any tactic to keep you beneath them. The only way to wiggle out of society’s strict stratification system is by being a paradox which makes my location hard to place, thus hard to keep pinned down.
Still, my social location has not been fully defined. My position is further differently situated depending on the social level I am talking about, whether I am referring to micro, meso, macro, or global can dramatically change the context of my social location. I feel as though identity fulfills itself most completely on the micro and meso levels. On these most personal levels, individual identities and motivations are more influential and recognized. For example, concerning my identification as Queer, I have achieved acknowledgement, respect and acceptance from my friends, my family, as well as other sympathetic groups. Unfortunately, true recognition and true respect are both subjective and once I go beyond my local community, I lose both. Even with the power to vote, I receive no recognition on the macro/national level where politics rule. It is as though my identity becomes smaller as well as less important and dynamic the bigger the level of society with which I compare it.
My social location is an all encompassing result of social institutions and social agents trying to socialize and thus create inequalities pertaining to certain aspects of my life while simultaneously creating advantages for other aspects of the same identity! Knowing which aspects are or are not oppressed leads me to uncovering new knowledge and new perspectives. Being able to see and understand social location unexpectedly encourages me to tell others, to spread the word. Many live ignorant of the truth that our country is not equal, this capitalist of a state never has been. Knowing what I know has caused me to “expand my constricted eye” as Minnie Bruce Pratt would say (1984, p. 44). I feel as if I have the ability to “make a place for things to be different, to expand my circle of self, follow my need to loosen the constrictions of fear, [and] be a break in the cycle of fear and attack” (Pratt, 1984, p. 45). Through the institution of college education I plan to be that break in the cycle and to inspire others to also break away from oppressive and constrictive power hierarchies our identities can get us mixed up in.
Once upon a time I was not as happy and secure with my outward appearance or internal identity as I am now, thus corrupting my social location through denial and personal confliction. Not long ago, my identity was under constant attack. Ironically, I was the one responsible for the attacks. Bell Hooks sums it up, “I noticed that what I do with the image I see in the mirror is very unloving. I inspect it. . . I am evaluating . . . not to self [affirm] but to critique” (1993, p. 235). There are two reasons explaining my budding self-dislike. First, I lived in a social world in which I did not fit; I did not look normal, I did not act traditionally, & (I’d like to believe) I thought differently. Second, since I was an infant, I had been overexposed to “a toxic cultural environment” consisting of magazines, commercials and music filled with messages telling me how I should look, act, & think (Kilbourne, p. 133). Unfortunately, mass media participates in the continuation of disempowering images, derogative stereotypes, and traditionally-gendered messages toward women. I never wanted to see myself in a negative way, but due to extended periods of socialization by the media, I had involuntarily internalized the need to be who society wished me to be. For years I struggled with my outward, tomboy identity. I loved being me, but I was self-conscious, ashamed, embarrassed and hurt by assumptions people made about me. Today, I am no longer embarrassed by my outward gender ambiguality (or, as I prefer, gender fluidity). After a number of personal moments of enlightenment I became aware of the societal pressure to be who I am not. I connect with Ka’ahumanu’s statement of “my body is a map of my life”, her article represents my reversal in opinions concerning my body and identity (1994, p. 154). Only after realizing the influence of society’s various powerful institutions and fully possessing a mind void of social expectations did I start to completely enjoy myself and begin the life-long process of identity discovery.
Defining my social location is not an easy task to complete. It is an abstract term describing where my place is a societal hierarchy, and to fully explain my location I must include the theoretical concept of my social identity. My identity has been greatly influenced by a number of institutional manifestations, including but not limited to: family, mass media, law, politics, education, and the economy. With every additional institution, my social identity grows in length, height, width, breadth, and in every other dimensionally possible way. With each inch of growth my location becomes harder and harder to nail down. Thanks to my array of identities I can see how we are restrained by societal labels, and I understand how society tries to use our differences to limit and control our aspirations by constructing structures of inequality justified by such differences. More than anything else though, studying my social location has left me with a restless sense of rebellion, a distaste for the traditional, and a sudden urge to fight and tear apart social inequality by the seams.

Works Cited
1) Feinberg, Leslie (1998). We Are All Works in Progress. In Gwyn Kirk & Margo Okazawa-Rey (Eds.), Women’s Lives, Multicultural Perspectives (pp. 193-197). New York, NY: McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.
2) Hooks, Bell (1993). Living to Love. In Gwyn Kirk & Margo Okazawa-Rey (Eds.), Women’s Lives, Multicultural Perspectives (pp. 231-236). New York, NY: McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.
3) Ka’ahumanu, Lani (1994). My Body Is a Map of My Life. In Gwyn Kirk & Margo Okazawa-Rey (Eds.), Women’s Lives, Multicultural Perspectives (pp. 154-155).
New York, NY: McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.
4) Kilbourne, Jean (1999). The More You Subtract, the More You Add. In Gwyn Kirk & Margo Okazawa-Rey (Eds.), Women’s Lives, Multicultural Perspectives (pp. 132-140). New York, NY: McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.
5) Pratt, Minnie Bruce (1984). “Who Am I If I’m Not My Father’s Daughter?”. In Gwyn Kirk & Margo Okazawa-Rey (Eds.), Women’s Lives, Multicultural Perspectives (pp. 43-45). New York, NY: McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.
6) Waters, Mary C. (1996). Optional Ethnicities: For Whites Only?. In Gwyn Kirk & Margo Okazawa-Rey (Eds.), Women’s Lives, Multicultural Perspectives
(pp. 113-119). New York, NY: McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.

lost
Posted on 2007.11.01 at 11:57
This experiment was designed to study workplace inequality created by stereotypes. Stereotypes are instantaneous, often unconscious, judgments made of people based on characteristics of the person (such as race, religion, etc.). Stereotypes are not based on any real facts, these judgments are only assumptions. This is how inequality is created and in workplace circumstances such judgments are illegal and perpetuate discrimination. This experiment specifically is setting opposing statuses against one another at the hiring level of employment to see if their choice in activities creates a bias against their resume.
At the website yahoo.com, the occupation “laboratory technician” was searched, the website provided between ten and twenty job advertisements for the occupation. An add was chosen at random, the selected add was located in Vermillion, SD. It is a full time position and does not require past experience. This healthcare occupation advertisement does not specify a minimum in education, but at least a BA in a Science field would be required to understand and perform the job. With this job in mind, two nearly identical resumes were created. These resumes select two group stereotypes to compare, that of the geek and jock. A “Jock” represents successful athletes who are not particularly intelligent. A “Geek” represents an intelligent outcast.
The resumes are identical in the objective, experience, education, and references sections. The difference lies in the activities section. Resume A is for the geek, in his activities area he is listed as an active member in The Geek Squad. Resume B is for the jock, in his activities section he is listed as a member of a Football Association. This experiment is to study people’s reactions and to discover who they would prefer to hire for a medical technician position. More specifically, this experiment is looking for bias and inequality in the employment field created by stereotypes. The athlete’s stereotypical trait of not being intelligent and the geek’s stereotypical trait of being super intelligent create an instant difference that people may automatically base judgments on.
The participants of this experiment were located in front of The Bookie so a wide variety of people were sampled, including graduates, undergraduates, faculty, and other school employees from all major areas of study. I approached every third person in front of The Bookie doors at noon on Monday, October 15th. Selecting noon as the sample time didn’t provide an easy experiment. At noon there was an overwhelming large amount of people flowing in and out of The Bookie. Many people seemed to be in a hurry and when asked to participate in the study either refused or completely ignored the question. When catching an interested and willing participant a previously memorized consent script was recited. Not every third person was sampled due to people’s refusal to participate or to the large flow of people. By the end of the hour, the desired pattern of surveying every third person became every fifth, even every sixth person. Most participants seemed to be either older staff or undergraduates.
There were a few differences in the participants’ responses to the study. Concerning resume A, two males wanted to know if there was a Pullman based Football and Rugby Association. Concerning resume B, one male mentioned he’s previously worked for Geek Squad and three girls wanted to know what Geek Squad was. There were also similarities. Three people observed the education was received at the University of OR, two people mentioned they wanted to get a medical technician occupation, and three people needed a more precise description of a medical technician job.
On a scale from one to seven, one being not at all capable and seven being extremely capable, participants rated the applicant of either resume A or B. The average jock rated higher for the following traits: good nature, self-confidence, trustworthy and friendly. The typical geek rated higher on the rest of the traits, such as responsible, efficient, organized, skilled, independent, and intelligent. For specific results and averages, see Table 1.1.
Table 1.1 A B
Responsible 5.6 6.2
Efficiency 4.8 6.0
Good-natured 6.6 5.4
Organized 4.8 6.8
Skilled 4.8 5.8
Confidence 6.8 5.8
Trustworthy 6.4 5.8
Independence 6.6 5.6
Intelligence 6.5 7.0

Based on the results of the twenty Initial Impressions Surveys, I conclude there is a bias against jocks and a preference for geeks. Resume B (the “Geek”) scored high in all the traits heavily connected with job performance such as responsibility, efficiency and organization. Resume A (the “Jock”) scored high on more personal or emotional traits such as good nature, confidence, and friendliness. On average, Resume A received two points less than Resume B when rated on intelligence. The only difference was their activities, and Resume A scored lower. This is a bias against sports playing individuals; this bias is even more obvious when compared to Resume B’s results. Whither an individual plays sports or not does not make him any less intelligent, it is a stereotype that athletes are not smart.
If these two resumes compete against each other in real life, the chance is that Resume A will not get the job. Any hiring employer would want competent, fast-working, smart workers. The jock stereotype puts him at an instant disadvantage based on an incorrect assumed impression. This stereotype leads to workplace inequality on the hiring level as well as possibly the promotion level. The results show it is very important to tailor one’s resume to each job. People spend very little time looking over resumes, so every single detail must count towards you, not against you. In addition, the results show that being an athlete does not impress everyone; in this case, being an athlete was actually a negative. In this study Resume B (the geek) scored very well, the single activity of The Geek Squad gave every participant the impression he was particularly bright. In reality the activities one decides to participate in do not have any real connection to traits that will help you get a job. Giving resume B the preference based on a stereotype, leaves someone possibly more capable and better suited for the job behind.
An inexperienced Junior Undergraduate designed this experiment. This study wasn’t completely under control and there were uncountable mistakes including because this was the first field survey designed and performed by myself. The results resemble people’s responses thus making the results “real”, but this experiment was not made well enough to produce perfect data or indicate all possible social processes. There are many dynamics to take into consideration when designing a study like this one, such as sample make up, sample size, sample selection, and questions to ask. If any one of these dynamics was changed, the results could change drastically as well. For example if the sample location had been located in one of the science buildings or near the gym, the participants may have had completely different views and opinions.
Asking random people to participate in a survey is only one option when wanting to study workplace discrimination. Replying to the job advertisements with these resumes is another way to test for workplace inequality, but this route takes more time. Personal reactions cannot be recorded like this though, but the survey records people’s bias exactly as they are. However, there are several areas of change or improvement for the survey. Location is key to getting expected results in this experiment; changing location would change the results noticeably. Age of participants also changes results, for example, Resume A and B were rated nearly the same when scored by a graduate or a member of the staff. The most helpful improvement would be expanding the time and sample selection of this study. More time would mean better result and maybe even more in depth answers. Also, if more the twenty surveys were taken, the results would include more varied answers. The more widespread the results, the more “real” they become and may better answer sociological questions.

lost

looking for a song. keep your eyes open?

Posted on 2006.06.25 at 18:52
i've been searching through all of my music for a song.
a very specific song. one that can describes me right now.
i find lil pieces that i'm just like mmmhmm, that works... then 10mins later it's gone.

"...it wasn't fair for me just to go and act like i know what you've been through, 'cause i wasn't there and i'll never know. i couldn't see from your point of view but i'm doing all i can for you to see that i understand... " ~weakest cd of hoobastank EVEr

"...careful what you're feeling on the inside, you shuld try to remember the good times and the high life..." ~ oh sad, that was meant to be a more meaningful quote, pfft, stupid Finger Eleven

"...what if this had not happened what if she hadn't gone. i'm wondering whatever did i do the only reason that i still remain to you is that i go on repeating the excuse, what if this hd not happened." ~ Midtown... this is stale music. :(

sigh. i know i wont find a song that fits me until i figure out whats going on. i dont have any idea. i need to get control back over my life.

get up. face this day.

im doing better.
i feel like i have an army. and they're all here to brighten my day. some are hrs away, some will be living w me, some i havent seen in months. i admit i enjoy the moments i can just sit and think about things w/o being interupted. im not real sure what to do now. part of me worries its a test, of what idk. most of me is just sighing.
random thoughts pop into my head of how to steal her back from... herself i suppose. stupid ideas. silly ones too. but if i have to steal something, then its honestly not mine. i dont want that. i dont want to waste anyones time.
i sigh thinking about it all. god i hope i haven't been a waste. i cant see her as a waste. never. she has made me beautiful.

but for now ill be content to lay in my foggy corner for as long as im left alone. im excited to continue exploring the world by myself. but i know ill miss that corner for forever mysterious reasons.
god im going to miss so much.


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